Rocking Chair

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This is my life right now. The issues I’ve been dealing with are finally coming to a head and while I’m dealing with it all, I’m working to calm all of the anxiety that comes with dealing with the issues. It’s like trying to bale all the water out of a sinking boat with a plastic spork.

I’m honestly trying not to drown in emotion and ruin all good things going for me right now, but the fears and frustrations are causing some mean knee-jerk reactions that are hurting people I care about. I’m devising some strategies to deal with my worrying and giving them about a week’s trial before I decided to post them here…we’ll see how that goes.

Back to your regularly scheduled blog…

What’s New:
My new favorite weekend hobby has become laying on the outdoor swing with a good book. I’ve been on super-budget mode, and while I can’t do too much right now, but I’m getting a lot of enjoyment out of relaxing in the sun.

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It’s kind of a relief to be able to take some time to relax, since I didn’t have a space to do that in my last living situation. Living with the Riley fam has been a blast, and I’m grateful for them opening their home to me.

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Next weekend I’m going to be working on starting the garden, so I’ll (attempt) to grow fresh vegetables for my roommates and me. I’m even going to show off my awesome farmer hat! (Haha!)

I’m also working on getting back into my workout routine, since I picked up some home-gym equipment last weekend.

Living in the desert has been quite a challenge, as being an hour away from work, school and home (Rancho) has taken a LOT of adjusting to. I’ve been trying to fit in workouts, friends, family, this blog, homework, laundry sleep and a new relationship while figuring out how to stay organized and on top of my finances. It took about a month of hectic schedules and stress, but things are starting to smooth out.

I also did a little bit of hiking last week on Baldy to clear my head.

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I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hiking and the outdoors. ❤

So, that’s my weekend so far. I’m trying to get pictures up of Rachel’s wedding, which was a TON of fun, but my phone for some reason wants to keep the pictures locked away in internet land. (*tears!*) So, coming soon.

Also, more updates to come!

<3Hojo

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Strength

Today I burned a lot of bridges. I really didn’t want to, but it felt like the right thing to do. I wasn’t being truthful to myself on how I felt, and that seemed like a problem to me. This time, I need to focus on myself.

I think I’m okay being on my own for a while. I have a lot of things to sort out in my life, and being conflicted about a relationship hasn’t been the best thing for me. I’m done for now. Just me, by myself, figuring out how I want things to be. It takes a lot of pressure off me and gives me time to really heal. I just hope the next time around, I’ll have everything together, be able to be stable and learn to be happy without strings attached.

I don’t know what comes next. Adventure, I hope. I’m looking forward to having that thirst for life. I want to do so many things, and now I have the freedom to do what I need.

I am stronger than I led myself to believe. I don’t need a man in my life to validate who I am. I think I need to take this time to prove to myself that they’re not all alike, and look at each person as an individual. Believe me when I say that I’m not going to turn into an avid man-hater.

Quite the contrary. I’m going to get everything together and find the big romance of my life. I want to fall in love, get married, have a kid or two, that’s on the horizon, somewhere. I’m not giving up on my dreams of living a happy and prosperous life.

I love my life. I’m not giving up on it again, ever. I’m too strong for that, I have too much stuff to do. If I was supposed to be gone off the face of this planet, God would have had me at the car accident where I saw the light.
But He didn’t.
He told me I had more to do in life. He told me I had a bigger purpose.

Maybe this is my time to keep my eyes on Him and just focus on working on my life.

I have a few core matters that I’d like to use this time to address:

1. I’m going to get back into shape.
Now, I’m not calling myself fat by a long shot, and I’m tired of everyone telling me that I have weight issues (people get upset with me because I tend to watch what I eat.) What they don’t know is that I have a family history of heart disease, diabetes, cancer and obesity. I found working out has gotten me through a lot of my issues, and I like the feel of being healthy and able to just jump up for the next activity.

2. I really want to get my finances in order.
This has been one of my biggest struggles and causes of my anxiety since moving away from the ex. I’ve been paying for what I can, struggling to make ends meet and pay for everything on my income. Without help.
March has been a tough month, but I see the end of the struggles and I’m proud of myself for being able to stick it through with little to no help.

3. Pride.
Speaking of pride, I’m going to let go of it. I have to let down my relational ego if I’m going to help anyone else. It’s been a struggle for me, since I like to show what I’ve done, where I’ve come from, but that doesn’t mean I have to knock others down to do that.

4. I’m going to get my life straight with God.
This is one of my biggest issues. I feel like I’ve been floating along, without direction lately. I’m going to take this time to focus on God and put Him first in all things in my life. I keep forgetting who has control, who puts me in these situations to make me stronger, and who gives me the feelings I do in order to experience things the way I should. There have been instances in my life where God has clearly been there, and I think it’s time to lay it all aside and listen to Him.

I think that’s it for now. I don’t know how the next few days/weeks/months will be handled emotionally, but I know I’m not alone.

Thanks for hearing out my rant, lol!

❤ Hojo

The Broken Road

Things have been…different. I can’t even start to compare how much different I am this time than the same time last year. I was working at the hospital, no car, waiting for a legitimate nursing job, waiting for this guy to decide that 4 years is enough time for an engagement, and living somewhere I wasn’t too happy with. I can’t even start to say how different things are. My life has definitely taken a turn for the constructive. I’ve never had as much time to deal with myself as I have over these last few months.

So here I am, world, stronger, resilient and on my own. On my OWN!

It hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Being free, feeling alive and finding out what it is I really want out of life. I can run wild.

There was some point where I lost who I was. I gave it all up and set it aside to fit into someone else’s life. I changed who I was for one person. Then when it didn’t work out, I changed to fit another, and another. Ten years and three long-term relationships later, and I wonder why I put aside ME for the hint of a chance at forever.

Sometimes, God does things for a reason, and we don’t really know why. We don’t see the long-term results, and it feels like everything is a jumbled mess. I’ve taken to just going along with it. Last year, a lot of things started to unravel, one thread falling out, one at a time. When I lost my job last year, I had an overwhelming calm that came over me, like a whisper of “It’s going to be all right”. I know everything is going to be all right, because I’ve been through worse. There have been circumstances in my life in which I didn’t know if I was going to make it out alive. Well, here I am, and learning through the great and overwhelming process we call change.

I love my life. As crazy and hectic and flawed as it may be, things are amazing. I can’t always ask for the perfect situation, but I can be grateful for what I have and enjoy it as it all falls together into a greater plan.

I just need to remember this when I fall into my depression.

Everything is going to be okay. Just because things are different doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing. Through this all, I’m resolving to become an optimist. I’ve been walking along with this dark cloud over my head for too long, and it just ruins the great things in life.
As the great philosopher ShayCarl says, “choose to be happy”.

I’m about to go on an adventure.

-Hojo

Fighting Imaginary Dragons

Sometimes, you can’t pretend like everything is okay. There are times, when everything is calm and all you’re left with is you and your head, it doesn’t always work out.

I wish I could be that person, perky, happy, lighthearted all the time, but there are days (and weeks) where my heart is heavy and I can’t get out of the vortex. I wish I had a reason that all this was happening. It all seems so insignificant compared to what others have been through. It’s pointless for me to complain about my life because there are others out there who are hurting worse.

I can’t be perfect. I’ve tried my whole life to impress everyone, to be someone I’m not to make everyone around me happy. I don’t know how else to cope. There are things in life I love to do, and I haven’t been doing things for myself for so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to be me. I’ve learned to condition myself to when things are less than perfect, less than ideal, I punish myself for my instability and insecurities.

Some days, I wish I was someone else, someone with fewer expectations out of life. Someone who could accept things the way they and just settle for what feels right and comfortable. But that’s not me. I make my own wild path in the forest, running at full speed until I find something better than what others have found. I breathe in the misty air and feel the essence of life fill my lungs. I’ve been trapped for so long, doing what society expects of me.

This is my time to set myself free. Even if I have to travel this path alone, this time in my life will be the true test as to if I’m strong enough to be the self I’ve been yearning for since childhood. I want to climb mountains, swim foreign waters, feel the fire.

For some reason, I had given up my dreams, given up my passions. At first, I called it ‘love’, that feeling of being wanted, of being needed. Then ‘love’ just turned into a craving for stability, for a constant. I fell in love with the idea of normalcy. Normalcy became a trap. I convinced myself I wanted it.

Here’s a hint: not everything worth living for is adorned with diamonds.

It took me ten years of trial and error, and failed relationships. Now that my longest relationship I’ve ever had (almost 5 years) is over, I know that being true to myself, and true to what is really in my heart is what life is living for.

Yeah, I’m nearing my 30’s, my biological clock is ticking, and I’ve been through 3 potential marriages that have completely fallen apart on me. But you know what? I don’t need validation from anyone to live my life the way I should be.

I could sit here, and let the depression take me over. I could wallow in the pain, mourn the lost possibilities, the family estranged, and the animals I left behind. That stuff hurts. But it wouldn’t have hurt as bad had I let myself be trapped forever, plunked on a couch and waiting for the inevitable.

Life is more than that.

While I know my depression is an illness, not something I can fix by wishing it away, I’m going to try to not let it overcome me. I’m going to take this time to figure myself out, to live my life the way I want to live it and not answer to anyone.

This is me.

❤ Hojo