The Point It All Falls Apart

I know my blogs have been sad, rant-ish and whiny lately. I’m not sure anyone really reads this anymore because of that, but I did start a blog about handling depression/anxiety while upholding a better lifestyle, so there are the ups with the downs. This just happens to be a long spell of the downs, and I don’t know how to break this cycle.

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You know you’re having a bad day when all the animals rally around you.

It seems like everything has come crashing down on me in the past 24 hours. I still have a job, but everything else is questionable at this point. It’s been an incredibly rough night, and I’ve come out of it feeling like I’ve been hit by a train. I’ve just been so self-destructive lately that I don’t know where my life is going at all. On one hand, I want what’s best for me, to live for me for once. On the other hand, it makes me feel incredibly guilty, like my purpose in life has been destroyed.

I went from getting ready to start a family, starting my career and buying a house to being completely on my own and not really knowing what to do.
I was looking at apartments yesterday, and then it struck me: I’m alone. I’m going to be alone for the foreseeable future. No more stable, long-term relationship, no wedding, no possibility of children. Alone. How does someone deal with that and still find ways to be happy? The past five years, I’ve always had someone by my side. I’ve always been able to turn to him and say “so, this is what it’s like to be able to experience it all”. I’m trying to find ways for me to be able to be by myself, be internal and still have a healthy life and view of the world.

One of my biggest struggles lately has been trying to get back in touch with God. I know He’s there, and I know that there are times it’s difficult to feel HIs presence, but WOW. I wish there was some way I could feel His presence and know that everything is going to be all right.

I just feel empty.

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I think it’s time to start picking myself up and moving on. One step at a time, one day at a time. I’ve been exhausted and on the go from the mass amounts of overtime I’ve been working, but I think I can finally find time for myself.

I’ve come up with six elements of my life I need to work on, and I’ve noticed over the last few weeks, that these are huge factors to how I feel about myself. I figured I’d work on one a week, and slowly make myself a better person, one day at a time.

6 Elements of Improvement:

1. Relationship with God.
This is one of the biggest factors I need back in my life. I need to just jump back in, head first and figure out a way to feel His presence again. I remember the last time I was alone, He was what comforted me the most. I feel like in my last relationship, this is one of the things that suffered the most. I wasn’t really allowed to express my faith and be as open about it as I could. God is always going to be first in my life from now on, regardless of my situation.

2. My Health
I haven’t been taking care of my health very well lately. Skipping the gym, eating what’s available and not carefully planning my eating habits. Health also extends to mental health, in which I need to find constructive ways to relieve stress.

3. Fitness
This goes with Health, but is a different category because it deals with different issues. I’m going to start taking classes, like yoga and kickboxing to relieve the immense amount of stress I have. I also want to get back into running, now that I believe my knee injury and hernia have healed. I’m excited about getting back into shape, since this was my biggest source of stress relief.

4. Sleep Schedule.
There’s been studies showing correlation between a person’s success and their sleep schedule. This has been a goal for a while, since I constantly don’t feel like I have time in the day for myself.

5. Finances. Enough said.
Still working the baby steps. Also working a LOT, so things are going to get better (I hope!)

6. Friends.
I need to surround myself with friends and family, and everyone has helped me through this tough journey. It’s been amazing seeing everyone rally up around me when things are at their worst. It’s like Marilyn Monroe said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you certainly don’t deserve my best”. All of you who have helped me through this have been wonderful, and I’m proud to say the lot of you are such a huge part of my life.

I started writing this post with the intention of venting, and I found out I have more hope than I thought I did. The right guy will come along, someday. The right situation will present itself and it will all be amazing. I don’t have to push for these things, I just need to enjoy my life and figure things out as they go.

Until then, I’m going to let myself live my life to it’s absolute fullest. I’m not going to let the loneliness overtake me or the problems hinder me, I’m going to embrace the wonderful, beautiful change.

I am free.

<3Hojo

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