Screeching Halt

Sometimes, my life just comes to a screeching halt.

The planning stops, the productivity stops, no exercise or cooking. There are some days I don’t even have the energy to crochet, write or play a video game.

This weekend was one of those weekends that I spent the majority of the time in bed, half-awake because of the pain and fatigue are too much for me to handle.
Living with chronic pain just takes everything out of you. It smashes all motivation.

There are times I have to remind myself it’s okay.
It’s okay to rest, to let the messes go, to not do laundry or keep up with my endless list of chores. It’s okay to not work that 6th day, everyone will understand. 

When I just want to get out and go on a run, but find myself hobbling home after a half mile:
(Here’s today’s vs. Thursday’s run)

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But…you know what? I’m not giving up.
No sir, no ma’am.

I have my days, where I fall apart, sleep until noon, deal with the excruciating pain, migraines, nausea, stomach trouble, fatigue and fall into a depressive, tearful heap of a person. My heating pad and my mutt are my best friends. I forget to eat.
But then there are the days after, where I function. I run those miles, kick butt at work, bake amazing pastries and my household is pristine. Those days I’ve learned to appreciate more than anything. They’re little reminders that there’s some semblance of normal.

This is my normal.

I’m coming out of those years where I would mentally berate myself for not doing enough, for not being enough, for needing to sleep until noon. “What’s wrong with you? You’re lazy, you’re stupid, you don’t have the drive to achieve anything. Get up off your lazy a** and get moving, there’s no reason for you to stay in bed all day”. The voice that sounds hauntingly like my mother’s.
But that’s not my life anymore. I can give myself the grace to deal with a chronic illness. It’s not all in my head, I’m not faking it, I have a diagnosis.

I feel like I’m finally finding my inner strength in my weaknesses. Admitting weakness, admitting you have a problem, is one of the most difficult things you can do.

I will no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and squeak out “I can do it all”. Because I can’t. And there isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s admitting that I need people around me, my support system, to get through the trials of life.

Happy March. Happy Endometriosis Awareness Month.
FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

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Be strong,
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