Summer is coming.
And while the breeze flutters gently through the window of my sunroom, I can’t help but think…am I making the right decisions?
I never thought I was cut out for marriage. I’ve been a spirit that’s been wild and free, not always tied down to the 8-hour days, 5 days a week. I’ve seen what its like to have the earning potential, and while the glamour and shiny, clean lifestyle suits me, there is a part that leaves me feeling empty.
I’m growing restless.
And I think that’s always been my problem. A girl on the move. One year in the same spot to me is almost (almost) a waste of time. I hover and take off like the hummingbirds that frequent my patio. Ever changing, ever moving, always different from the last time you’ve seen me. Yet, somehow the same.
I’ve grown to adore my mountain home. There is something akin to Walden I have experienced, the solitude I craved to heal and regenerate. But I wonder if I make the same mistakes again, trying to make my life compatible with another’s, when in all reality I’m compatible with no one. Always changing, always moving.
I went to Hawaii two years ago on a whim. It was the end of a failing ten-year relationship where I no longer fit into someone’s life. Where I became the catalyst to everyone’s problems. I can’t be that problem anymore, not to anyone. When I left, I only had myself to answer to. Long, unchecked trips to the beach, adventures up canyons and over steep terrain. Through red mud and rain by myself. It was thrilling and terrifying at the same time. It gave me the courage to go home and continue on this journey of life on my own. Alone.
Yet, here I sit, on a quiet Easter Sunday, looking to the sky and asking the Big Guy “What’s next?”
I’ve been hurt and torn and pulled apart emotion by emotion, and right when I think I can’t do it anymore, I go back. Why?
I just want answers.
And yet, I think that the best idea right now is for me to sit quietly, find my resolve, save up and plan the next move.
Get my RN. Find where I belong.
Wake up early, plan the life I want and where it all fits in.
I just need to take a moment to breathe.
-Hojo
Life, Love and a Gallon of Coffee 