More to think about

Summer is coming.

And while the breeze flutters gently through the window of my sunroom, I can’t help but think…am I making the right decisions?

I never thought I was cut out for marriage. I’ve been a spirit that’s been wild and free, not always tied down to the 8-hour days, 5 days a week. I’ve seen what its like to have the earning potential, and while the glamour and shiny, clean lifestyle suits me, there is a part that leaves me feeling empty.

I’m growing restless.

And I think that’s always been my problem. A girl on the move. One year in the same spot to me is almost (almost) a waste of time. I hover and take off like the hummingbirds that frequent my patio. Ever changing, ever moving, always different from the last time you’ve seen me. Yet, somehow the same.

I’ve grown to adore my mountain home. There is something akin to Walden I have experienced, the solitude I craved to heal and regenerate. But I wonder if I make the same mistakes again, trying to make my life compatible with another’s, when in all reality I’m compatible with no one. Always changing, always moving.

I went to Hawaii two years ago on a whim. It was the end of a failing ten-year relationship where I no longer fit into someone’s life. Where I became the catalyst to everyone’s problems. I can’t be that problem anymore, not to anyone. When I left, I only had myself to answer to. Long, unchecked trips to the beach, adventures up canyons and over steep terrain. Through red mud and rain by myself. It was thrilling and terrifying at the same time. It gave me the courage to go home and continue on this journey of life on my own. Alone.

Yet, here I sit, on a quiet Easter Sunday, looking to the sky and asking the Big Guy “What’s next?”

I’ve been hurt and torn and pulled apart emotion by emotion, and right when I think I can’t do it anymore, I go back. Why?

I just want answers.

And yet, I think that the best idea right now is for me to sit quietly, find my resolve, save up and plan the next move.

Get my RN. Find where I belong.

Wake up early, plan the life I want and where it all fits in.

I just need to take a moment to breathe.

-Hojo

A lesson in mindfulness

Its been a while!

I’ve been realizing lately I need to slow down. Recently, I’ve quit my super-hectic Infection Control job (for reasons I’m not going to explain here, and for the sake of my sanity.) But to make a long story short…I was stressed. I was at the office from 7am to 7pm and had over an hour commute from my mountain home to the hospital in Covina, 5-6 days a week. So when I say I was never home, I meant I came home to get maybe 6 hours of sleep and then wake up, wash, rinse, repeat. I never saw my fiance (who worked 3-11pm) and it was just taking a massive toll on my life.

It completely defeated the purpose of me moving to the mountains. I was supposed to move up here to find my peace, do yoga on a daily basis, learn to love just being me. This was my landing place after a huge breakup of a 10-year relationship, I was supposed to slow down, take a deep breath and listen to my heart.

But I didn’t do that.

I’m not going to blame the pandemic, because that seems to be everyone’s MO these days. I’m not going to pretend like I wasn’t extra busy and had a crazy job as a nurse because of COVID, but I could have definitely said no to those extra shifts. I’m an ambitious person, who has goals and drive, that’s just who I am. But I really think I’ve learned something from all this nose-to-grindstone working I’ve been doing (or not doing): living life. That was the biggest lesson I learned in my 20’s, and somewhere I stopped heeding my own advice.

So, here I am.

I’ve got some time to reflect, to slow down. It’s not comfortable, by any means, but it is a chance for me to learn to savor the moments in life. I’ve spent the last year working as hard as I can, and now I’m going to do what makes me happy, whatever this is.

So I’m rebooting my blog, possibly creating an Instagram for this area, and practicing mindfulness. I want to have a beautiful, fulfilled life. I know life presents us with a lot of challenges, but I feel like my focus is shifting to the positive, to the moving forward, and trying to see where that goes from here.

*Deep Breath*

-Hojo

Screeching Halt

Sometimes, my life just comes to a screeching halt.

The planning stops, the productivity stops, no exercise or cooking. There are some days I don’t even have the energy to crochet, write or play a video game.

This weekend was one of those weekends that I spent the majority of the time in bed, half-awake because of the pain and fatigue are too much for me to handle.
Living with chronic pain just takes everything out of you. It smashes all motivation.

There are times I have to remind myself it’s okay.
It’s okay to rest, to let the messes go, to not do laundry or keep up with my endless list of chores. It’s okay to not work that 6th day, everyone will understand. 

When I just want to get out and go on a run, but find myself hobbling home after a half mile:
(Here’s today’s vs. Thursday’s run)

But…you know what? I’m not giving up.
No sir, no ma’am.

I have my days, where I fall apart, sleep until noon, deal with the excruciating pain, migraines, nausea, stomach trouble, fatigue and fall into a depressive, tearful heap of a person. My heating pad and my mutt are my best friends. I forget to eat.
But then there are the days after, where I function. I run those miles, kick butt at work, bake amazing pastries and my household is pristine. Those days I’ve learned to appreciate more than anything. They’re little reminders that there’s some semblance of normal.

This is my normal.

I’m coming out of those years where I would mentally berate myself for not doing enough, for not being enough, for needing to sleep until noon. “What’s wrong with you? You’re lazy, you’re stupid, you don’t have the drive to achieve anything. Get up off your lazy a** and get moving, there’s no reason for you to stay in bed all day”. The voice that sounds hauntingly like my mother’s.
But that’s not my life anymore. I can give myself the grace to deal with a chronic illness. It’s not all in my head, I’m not faking it, I have a diagnosis.

I feel like I’m finally finding my inner strength in my weaknesses. Admitting weakness, admitting you have a problem, is one of the most difficult things you can do.

I will no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and squeak out “I can do it all”. Because I can’t. And there isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s admitting that I need people around me, my support system, to get through the trials of life.

Happy March. Happy Endometriosis Awareness Month.
FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

Be strong,

Hitting the Fan

I don’t want to complain. In fact, I am totally complaining, because it’s my blog and I can. Nyah.

No, really though. I feel worn out. I’m in the last three weeks of my Chemistry class, I have an exam tomorrow and I’ve been working my tail off at work lately. I’ve been trying to work out, but with work, school, homework, commuting, budgeting and holding together my household, I just don’t have anything left in me besides a daily 20-minute, one-mile walk.

I’ve gotta shake this. Between the endo/PCOS and depression, these days are a struggle to keep my energy up and keep my schedule going. I can’t miss work, or school for that matter because of this ongoing fatigue. And that’s the thing, I’ve been burned out before, I get cranky and my mind stops functioning, and I just want to nap, but this is different. It almost feels like how I did when I had mono, I feel weak.

Sigh.

I’m going to start some juicing this week and see if the added vitamins will help. Our Paleo diet has been helping with getting that little extra protein in, (for some reason, I don’t get enough if I don’t keep track), and our Sam’s Club membership helps keep the costs down. When I really don’t have the energy, I can get my Amazon Fresh order.

Sticking to a zero-based budget is fun. Not.

Up and Over

Well, here’s another update to how crazy busy my life has been lately.

Between Chemistry, working 6 days a week, trying to exercise and maintain a (somewhat) healthy diet, commuting, it’s kind of frustrating when your health problems try to throw a monkey wrench into all of it. It makes me want to kick something, and possibly cry a little, but sometimes I like to believe it’s God’s way of telling me to slow down a bit. Sometimes I get so caught up in the passing of time, that I don’t notice the time passing and the experiences forgotten.

My goal for this summer is to take it a little slower and enjoy myself.

Given, I’m probably going to be working a bit more to save up for vacation and the fall semester, but all the same, I’m going to take some time to relax and enjoy the journey.

Anyway, here’s a small collage of the last three weeks. 🙂

As always,

Weekly Roundup

Well, since I have some free time before the holidays, I thought I’d give a shot at writing again. I love the rainy nights curled up on my couch with my laptop and a cup of gingerbread tea. (Insert picture here, because, you know my phone decided to die three days before Christmas).So now I have to spend my afternoon waiting in line at Sam’s Club for a new phone. 😦 Yaay, new phone, boo to insane holiday rush!

So my job has been so computer-intensive lately that I haven’t really had the desire to sit down and write. It’s hard to keep a blog when your eyes are burning from staring at a screen all day.

That said, my work has been nothing short of amazing working with my anxiety disorder/MDD. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am with the understand and support I’ve received from my managers and coworkers while learning to understand something that significantly impacts my life. It really takes a lot of weight off my shoulders knowing that the support is there.

Ronin has also been a huge asset to working with my struggles. (Although, at the moment, he’s throwing a doggie-tantrum in his crate because it’s 10:30 and we’re still awake.)
He recently finished the Intermediate obedience training, and we’re signed up for Advanced in January. While I know you can just get an ESA certification online, and that the certification is not even necessary, I feel very strongly about getting my dog his Canine Good Citizen certification. As a healthcare worker, it is important to me that I am utilizing an accommodation in the best way possible.

The biggest ears in all the land. 

Anyway, things have been looking up lately. I’m registered for some business classes come Winter and Spring sessions, so I can work on my business management degree. It’s just the first step in my work towards Healthcare Administration. I think I’m starting to see a clear cut path to where I want to go career-wise. I was really struggling for a while, because I was looking to do the RN-BSN-APRN or the PA-C route; and while I absolutely love the science of medicine, I feel like I can best utilize myself in the administration process and take on current healthcare issues. Not trying to save the world, just hoping to be a leader in change.

So this is me, right now, pushing through the tough times and looking up. I have hope, that little sliver of light I can see, and trying to not let the little day-to-day disappointments, frustrations and overwhelming thoughts get to me. I try not to let a passive-aggressive remark or a stumble in my path take over. I try not to flinch when someone tosses me something. I try not to go into too much detail when someone asks questions that are too personal. I try to not overthink the details of my life and sink into that ever-present doom-and-gloom that lurks beneath a sunny exterior.

So here I go, pushing forward. Moving on. Holding my head up high and trying to ignore the emotional sludge that’s up to my knees. I can do this.

 

The Wandering Samurai

Hi there!

I know it’s been a while, but between work, another surgery and (dun dun dunnnn) the NEW PUPPY, I’ve been quite the busy lady!

I mean…those EARS! How can you NOT love those derpy-werpy-EARS!!!
AHEM.

Okay…I’m done.

But seriously, though, we were really expecting to get a corgi. We were on about 5 different “waiting lists” for corgi breeders anywhere from Sacramento to Chino Hills to Oklahoma, and there was an indeterminate time frame as to when the little bundle of fuzz would enter our lives….

So one of my favorite things to do with Kurt when I’m really feeling down is go to the pound and play with all the shelter dogs. I had a panic attack that Sunday night and needless to say didn’t get any sleep. So, come Monday, I took a mental health day.
There’s something that’s uplifting about being surrounded by animals. On our way back from Montclair, we decided to go to the Rancho Shelter, which happened to be closed on Mondays…duh. So we made the trek back in the direction we came and decided to go to the Upland Shelter.

Lo and behold…we found a pair of ears….
A super shy, timid little pair of ears.

When we first saw him at the shelter…he was too afraid to even walk. At 4 months old and a stray, he’s never walked on a leash.

His first night home.

But slowly and surely, he began to trust us…and the silliness began.
Not sure about car rides…
Or the very scary cat…

Ice cubes…and ropes…

Human things…like the bathroom sink and the couch…

And the bed…-_-‘
Water…

The trail…

And eventually he made friends with the cat.

When we expected to get a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, we ended up with a Lab/Belgian Malinois mix (or something-or-other).  We gave a home to a dog that needed a little more love than most, and we ended up with our beautiful wanderer….Ronin.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

As always…

Corgis and Macarons

Well, that’s been quite a day/week/month.

Last weekend I had another emergency surgery, this time on some nasty ovarian cysts that I’m really starting to think was the reason I had all this weight in the first place…either that or I’m losing weight at an alarmingly rapid rate and I should probably mention it when I go in to see my specialist next week…if I haven’t floated away in the wind.

No, seriously, pain medication is no joke. I can’t drive it makes me so dizzy.

You know when you get sick after eating something and never want to eat it again?
I would like to know WHY that had to be Korean BBQ for me???
On the up-side, I’ve been chomping down buckets of Mexican food…
Meet….MOCAJETE…
No, literally, this is a bucket of Mexican food…and yes, that is bacon wrapped shrimp. We might have been able to tackle more than 2/3 of it, but there was that full order of guacamole and chips right behind it that came first.

Date nights rock.

Also, making French macarons at midnight also rocks…because I have a week left off work and my sleep schedule is so whacked out that I can’t possibly go to sleep right now, so I load myself with SUGAR.

Okay, maybe these won’t be ready for consumption tomorrow (if ever). I’m really not up for making buttercream at midnight.Or ever. Actually the whole reason I think my cupcake business failed is because I hate making buttercream. Can’t I just bake cupcakes without the frosting? Picky customers, sheesh!

Anyway, I’ve been in a bit of a ranting mood lately. Not sure why, maybe it’s the cabin fever?
Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve called and emailed a hundred people all over the country and haven’t YET been able to find a corgi that comes from a good breeder? All I ever wanted was a dog, and now that I have the resources, job and stable life to finally get one, there aren’t any options. I want to cry.

I’ll be here tomorrow to tell you how my cookie experiment went. And possibly sob over how freaking adorable this dog’s paws are. SQUEEEEEE!

 

Whole 30: Day 5

I’m not going to lie…I’ve been in a haze lately. I don’t know if it’s the pain medication for my knee, the caffeine withdrawals or the lack of sugary foods. I’ve just been trying to get through some 10 hour shifts while trying to survive a little bit of a cold and my knee deciding to frequently swell up and feel like someone is stabbing me.

On a side note, I start Sports Therapy next week to (hopefully!) rehab my knee so I can (maybe one day?) run again. This has become a whole to-do, with x-rays and doctors appointments and emailing back and forth to doctors. It’s just frustrating getting hurt.

On the up-side, we are going to go look at an alternative wedding venue next weekend! While we did love Arrowhead, we both decided it was a good idea to look at other places as well, just to get a good idea of what’s possible to do within the next year. I’m also heading down to Fullerton on the 3rd to get fitted for my dress! (I love it!) I never thought I would like anything other than a white dress, but I absolutely adore the (subtle) blush-pink dress I picked out! Can’t wait!!

Back to the Whole 30 Challenge…

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’ve at least lost an inch or two. I know at this point, it’s probably just water-weight, but it feels good to see at least a little progress after months of frustration. It’s been extremely difficult the last couple days at work, because they’re pushing us to work as much as we can the next couple weeks to end the quarter, and that means the QAs are having an all-out feast of stress-foods. I’ve had to turn down cake 3 times this week, brownies once, donuts twice and cupcakes three times. My coworkers now know that Holly is on a “diet” and offering her miscellaneous foods is off the table. It’s actually really sweet. No pun intended.

I had my first cranky-day yesterday, where in the morning I was annoyed by everyone and everything that crossed my path. My neighbors put up Halloween decorations, I was annoyed. Someone offered to walk my work over to be checked, I was annoyed. Someone interrupted my audiobook, I was…well, you get the point. I was a dragon waiting to attack. Good thing that only lasted two hours, or I probably would have ended up with some pretty ticked off people.

Diet and overtime aside, I came to a realization this week. I had applied for a higher up position than I was at, that I knew I had a really good chance of getting. I did the phone interview, polished up my resume, and put it all out there. It would have been more hours, more work and a learning curve, but it was something fulfilling that I would have fit into nicely. The only thing? I really like my job. I was sad at the prospect of leaving a position I worked so hard to get to, around people I generally enjoy. I feel like I’m in a good place right now, with balance and support, and that it’s probably a good place to stay until I finish school. Sure, there’s drama. What workplace doesn’t have it? But I’ve come to realize that I could stay here, if need be, for a couple years.

So, that’s it for tonight. I’ve got to knock out so I can get my overtime in tomorrow!

25 more days to go of this crazy diet!

My Whole 30 Challenge

Considering I’ve made it to Day 3 of the Whole 30 plan without crashing and burning because of lack of sugar, chocolate, chocolate, coffee creamer and Starbucks, I thought I would finally blog about another hair-brained weight loss agenda I’m on.

Wait a minute…Before I go into detail, let me rewind back to how this all came about.

It all started Friday. Well, Thursday actually in which I wore some 4 3/4″ heels, but we’re not going to talk about that part and how it basically aggravated my pre-existing bursitis that I got because I wouldn’t.stop.running.

Fast forward a few months later… I stopped running and my knee started feeling better, I mysteriously needed to go to urgent care because my knee was the size of a cantaloupe and hurt like I was being stabbed. After one very painful cortisone shot (as seen as the purple bruise above), I decided I’ve had it and I’m tired of being injured and sick.

The culprit. (The beautiful, 4 3/4″ suede culprit)

Yup.

The result.

Working on Orthopedics for such a long time, I know that weight is one of the biggest factors when it comes to joint problems, along with diet and activity levels. As much as I work at a sedentary desk job, I do really try to get my 3-4 workouts a week, however small.

The answer was clear: my diet is taking control of my life. I needed change.

 I came across the Whole 30 plan, which in a nutshell is Paleo, excluding sugar, legumes, grains, dairy or alcohol. Also, there are no artificial sweeteners, honey or “cheat” foods that substitute junk food for “paleo-approved” treats. It’s cold-turkey, meaning I have to drink my coffee with unsweetened almond milk……did I mention no Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Because that’s probably the thing I’m the saddest about, although I’m probably going to save myself about $100 out of my budget, but…I digress…

I don’t expect to lose a ton of weight doing this plan, (because losing a ton of weight in 30 days is unrealistic and unhealthy) but I want to gain control over my eating habits and cravings, and this seems to be a good way to learn to exercise self-control. I also hope to reduce the inflammation in my knees and get my overall fatigue under control (an possibly drink less coffee…pffft, nope).

So here we go, Day 3 of my Whole 30:

BEFORE!
Age: 29
Weight: 180

Trouble spots: Belly and thighs

Waist: 39
Hips: 43

I’m really not proud of these measurements, or how I got there. (I was once referred to in my office as the “potluck crasher”) But I am once and for all determined to get it all OFF.

Hopefully, I’ll be tracking my progress here and checking in!

Wish me luck! ❤